The Unorthodox Master/Mistress - Primer on Specialized Dominance

The Unorthodox Master/Mistress - Personal Primer on Specialized Dominance

Domination is a portion of the BDSM lifestyle (Bondage, Dominance, Sadomasochism and Masochism) in which an individual is granted, not forces upon another, the right and privilege of claiming another as their own in one of three titles:

*1) A Sub (submissive) – the individual grants the one they see as their Master/Mistress (or Dom/Domme) a manner of authority over their being, be that from a temporary or full-time basis. The sub will act according to what their Master/Mistress requests of them within reason and within their own limitations. The sub will proudly proclaim their Master/Mistress as their owner and will learn to respect their Master/Mistress to the highest degree provided a degree of respect is established between the owner and the owned. The sub will please their Master/Mistress in whichever manner the Master/Mistress desires; again within reason and within the sub’s limitations. The sub is to be treated as a human being, not as a piece of property.

*2) A slave – the individual is viewed as a servant of the Master/Mistress, with only their Master’s pleasure and well-being their prime concern. Typically, the slave will do whatever their Master/Mistress demands of them and will make no argument nor present any unwillingness against their owner. The slave is given no such freedom to express their own desires nor limitations.

*3) A Switch - the individual possesses the capability of being both a Dominant individual as well as a submissive individual. They can be the controller as well as the one to be controlled and oftentimes they will make it apparent which role they are when it becomes appropriate. If you become involved with a Switch, it is important to be open to being dominated by the Switch otherwise the relationship can run into problems as a result of one-sided activity.

Keeping these three different entitlements in mind is important for being a proper Master/Mistress. And now begins the basic practices of being a proper Dom/Domme (in my opinion):

• 1) Know Your Authority: Being a Master/Mistress does not mean that anything and everything you do or say goes. In order to establish this manner of authority, the Master must know their sub on various levels: First the sub's own limitations. If the sub has some limitations, they must be known before anything else. In order to know these limitations, a checklist should be utilized in order to find out what the sub is aware of, what their limitations consist of and what they are willing to learn. An example of a D/s (Dominance/submission) checklist can be found here -http://www.soulshaven.f2s.com/checklist3/printerfri…. The list acts as not only security to make sure an agreement has been established but also enables the Dom/Domme to be the proper authority on activities that occur with their sub. Most importantly, the Dom/Domme does not take any authoritative action or responses from the sub. If the Dom/Domme finds themselves in a position where they are not openly expressing their authority, then it is likely the Dom/Domme in question does not possess the correct frame of mind.

• 2) Know who you are: Before believing that you are a Dom/Domme or Master/Mistress, you must know that you are on that side of the fence, so to speak. You must know if you prefer to be in control or if you prefer to do the controlling. Once you are aware of this, it becomes more simpler to become closer to the role of a Master/Mistress, otherwise you become wrapped up in a spiral of confusion. It is incredibly important that you do what you need to do in order to determine what role you are representative of. This can be done through a quiz, thorough research on both roles and cross-referencing the facts that fit most with you or even speaking to an individual that is part of each role in order to see which personality suits you best. In the end, only you can know for certain who or what you are.

• 3) Know your limits: The sub may desire certain practices from you as their Owner, whether it is the amount of time in which they can see you, or spend time with you, or even knowing what you yourself are capable of doing or capable of taking. Among these limits can include the kind of activities you are willing to do, what you are willing to experiment with and what you just will not do with your sub. If your sub has a limitation that is something that you wish to try, then try to encourage but not force or push the sub into attempting the activity or practice in question. If it does not work out, then it is simply something you should avoid in the future. Primarily, the Dom/Domme should be operating based on their own limitations, the sub's limitations are a second priority especially when investigating the sub through a trial period.

• 4) Know your Responsibility: Being a Master/Mistress is not a joke or a game. It is not a role to be taken lightly or to be laughed at. It is also not a role that can be taken up by simply anyone or everyone. It requires consistent disciplining, not only for the sub but especially for the Master/Mistress in question. The Master/Mistress must be willing to adjust to their sub’s mannerisms or be completely intolerant, as well as the other way around in the case of the sub. The Master/Mistress must take their role especially seriously for the following reasons:

• A) The life and condition of the sub is placed within the Master’s/Mistress's hands with unshaken confidence. That confidence must never be broken, otherwise the sub becomes at risk for physical or mental damage.

• B) The Master/Mistress can cause intentional/unintentional harm by asserting their authority early on in the building of the relationship between the owned and the owner. The Master/Mistress must establish an air of familiarity with the sub in order to avoid causing such unnecessary or unintentional harm or run the risk of losing the sub or even running into possible legal issues.

• C) The Master/Mistress must always be learning, not only about their sub but also about their own identity. Being a Master/Mistress requires constant learning about the lifestyle of BDSM – doing or attempting to do anything should always be backed with research and knowledge to make sure that whatever the act will be is done with a strong sense of security and safety.

• D) Safety at all times is a must, especially during your very first attempt. Always have safety in mind when doing any sort of activity with your sub. If there is an element of pain or possible physical or mental damage involved in any activity, have a sense of what the activity is before attempting and always have safety words and procedures in the event of any problems.

Basic Necessary Elements

• Good Manners: When training a sub or seeking a potential sub, being properly mannered is an important element. Treating anyone that has a potential submissive side to them as a subordinate early on is a quick way to turn a potential sub away from wanting to service you as a Master/Mistress. Approach a sub with proper manners, allowing them to see that you respect them as a human being first and respect their capabilities as a submissive. This will show your interest in them as well as help them become interested in you as a potential Owner.

• Establish Dominance: Make it clear that you are in charge of the sub. Do not use violence to force your dominance immediately; you must ease the potential sub into the concept that they have placed their entire being into your hands. If you force it, the sub will not be willing to act under your will and they will display clear resentment towards you. Ease the apprehension of the sub by showing them what a capable leader you are and in time, they will become willing to follow you on their own.

• Establish Rules: Once the sub has become willing to follow you, you must establish rules that they must follow regularly. A mantra, or a consistent pattern of thought for them to recite, is often a good way to do this. It helps them remember the rules as well as it helps them become accustomed to what you want in a potential sub. Again, force is not ideal for establishing rules but if the sub requires physical punishment in order to follow rules, consider it as a last resort option.

• Use of Punishment: If the sub breaks your rules, you must show them that you will not accept failure unnecessarily. Use of punishment should be left only for the deliberate defiance of rules or intentional disrespect towards your authority and you must always explain to the sub the reason why they are being punished. Deprivation of attention is a common means of punishment, and in extreme cases the usage of physical punishment will also do the job. The sub must be aware of why they are being punished, what they did wrong and how they can improve in order to avoid the punishment again; otherwise it simply looks like the Dom/Domme is exerting power without purpose. One way to construct a good punishment is by the process of getting to know your sub: knowing what your sub like and dislikes is a powerful tool and you can use that as knowledge to create an effective punishment.

• Training Time: Training a sub to be under you is a lengthy process which requires several months to several years, depending on the sub. At the same time, training yourself as a Master/Mistress is an equally important, if not lengthy, process. Think of the process as the same as establishing a relationship with a significant other. The sub should be viewed as a significant other as well as a faithful servant during the opening stages of the relationship – therefore you must know your sub as you train them to be your sub. Find out what they are capable of, what their limits are, and what they expect to gain out of the relationship. In doing so, you will be able to train your sub smoothly. As for training yourself as a Master/Mistress, you must learn as much as you can from any source of information in regards to being a Master/Mistress. You must express yourself openly and with confidence in order to be respected as a sub.

• Collaring your Sub: When you believe your sub has become accustomed to what you expect of them and that you have done the same for your sub, the time comes to collar your sub. The act of collaring your sub is the same as placing a ring on the finger of the woman you plan to spend the rest of your life with: it is a commitment between both the Dom/Domme and sub and it is just as sacred. You promise yourselves to each other and continue to live the lifestyle, to learning about each other constantly and bettering each other’s lives. It is a commitment that can last only as long as the bond between the Master/Mistress and the sub is maintained.

• In Case of Defiance: If your sub expresses defiance on a continuous basis, dialogue is important. Find out what you are doing wrong as a Master/Mistress, if anything at all, through open dialogue and find out how you can improve. In many cases of issues between a Dom/Domme and a sub, the Dom/Domme has done something to displease their sub in some way. In other cases, the sub is simply not a true sub or is unwilling to bring themselves into the role properly or completely. If this happens, re-training may be a necessary action or simply separation from the sub entirely.

• Research Constantly: A Dom/Domme should never stop learning about his/her role. A Dom/Domme must always be learning how to be a better Dom/Domme, learn from their mistakes, learn different ways to interact with their sub and learn how to keep the relationship strong. Never assume you have learned everything and never assume that there is nothing worth learning. Outside resources do exist as well as individuals that have been taking part in the lifestyle for years. Seek advice if you need it: there are those willing to give advice to those seeking to learn it.

This concludes a personal account of how I believe that the role of a Master/Mistress can be performed. Everyone has their own way of performing the role and living the lifestyle and I live the lifestyle the way that I feel suits me best. It is a custom way that I accept and live my life as a Master and as such, this is a way that I feel works best for me. That is not to say that everyone should participate in the lifestyle this way, but it is a possible way. The wonderful thing about the BDSM lifestyle is how open and varied the ways exist in which it can be lived. Find your own niche, find your own way and live it proudly.